It would seem that I'm a master at making people…well guys…disappear…. I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing but it still hurts to realize that the guys that have said that they loved me and even felt lucky that they knew me…seem to run as fast as possible from me and then want nothing to do with me….something like…
Or maybe even like…
Me being the creature from the black lagoon…
So I'm left feeling like a monster who isn't worthy of being loved. I know I am beautiful and very much worthy of love and worthy of being loved…but at times it just doesn't seem so…especially tonight…
Okay all this came out from being frustrated with the fact that my dad wants me to be wonder woman…a successful professional…but also the perfect housewife that attends to a man's every need….okay so we are talking about cooking and cleaning here…don't even go the incestual route…. Well point being that I'm tired of doing certain things just because the men in my family are too lazy and incapable of doing anything by themselves… well that I started thinking that no wonder why so many girls/women (at least in my native country) would get married to the first loser that crossed their path just to get out of the house and escape their reality in hopes of a better life…and no I didn't start to ponder how married life would be…But I did want to scream and run far, far away from my dad and tweedle dee and tweedle dum.
So what does that have to do with me feeling like an unlovable monster? Well to be honest I did start to wonder just a tiny bit about what it would be like to be married…not to anyone in particular just the abstract notion of it…and wishing that if I do ever get married that that person would be nothing like my brothers and my dad. And then I got to thinking about love…and then that lend to emotions which lend to feeling unwanted and unlovable and then it snowballed to the Frankenstein's monster feeling (lonely, unwanted, unloved, hideous)…
