Okay it's no secret that I have been an emotional mess these past few days. I am irritated, confused, angry, sad, regretful, frustrated and so much more all at the same time. You may ask how is it possible a person can feel all those things…well to be honest I have no idea…it's a girl thing…the only girl thing I willing admit to being…EMOTIONAL!!!!
Fine not the only thing since I'm also sensual, playful, naughty, a shoe whore (boy do I love shoes, especially high heels) and full of contradictions. Okay so maybe I am more girly than I would like to think so.
Today I saw something that made me smile…the definition of my name on urban dictionary…I thought it was cute and I found myself saying oh yes that's so me:
She doesn't know how to say no. She confuses most people. She is beautiful, but doesn't see it. She's been through a lot, most people wouldn't know. She is a night and a morning person; she doesn't know who she is yet. She wants to be somebody, she will be somebody. She is stronger than she thinks. She can love like no other. She is 'that girl'
If I knew how to say no…I would have told so many guys to fuck off and leave me alone…I think I would be a bit saner if I had done so.
I do confuse most people….including myself at times
I am beautiful but I have a hard time seeing it…and I really do doubt any man is capable of seeing that I am beautiful…
I look so innocent and sweet that people would never guess my story….and end up treating me like I was a little naïve girl
I am a night owl but because of school and life I have to be a day person…
I hope that I am stronger than what I think…
I hope that I can love like no other….well at least I am guilty of loving people that don't love me…
And I really do hope that I am that girl.
Now as to why I have been so emotional lately…it has to do in part with the engineer and the mystery man.
I have always had the notion or feeling that the mystery is incapable of loving me…that's why I have always said that my doubts/issues with him have never been about love. Yes I am guilty of having the hope that a miracle happens and that the mystery man would love me or better said that one day he would see me as a person who needs his attention and affection and he be willing to give me those things. But because the mystery doesn't love me I tend to look for people to fill that aspect that I need.
Here is where the engineer comes in…about three years ago I started talking to him and to me he seemed perfect on paper…he was sweet, caring, understanding, creative, artistic, ambitious, goal orientated, intelligent, funny, clumsy, dorky, a musician (guitarist) and a great story teller…. Even though I loved him I felt that he wouldn't be able to love the real me…as time went on he started filling in more of the holes left behind by the mystery man…the engineer became my best friend, I felt comfortable being silly, goofy, random…all the things I afraid of being with the mystery man…I'm afraid the mystery man would think bad about me or that I was too childish and immature. And with the engineer I didn't have that fear on the contrary most of the time I got the feeling that the engineer had that same fear…that I would think he was too immature, silly, childish, or stupid for me. Well more time passed by and the engineer started to show his sensual/sexual side and I was amazed…because he was into the same things that I was…
Now the sad part…as much as I wanted to I wasn't able to express the same level of affection towards the engineer as I would have like to and as much as he deserved mainly because I wanted to protect myself from heart ache and rejection…and that started to show in how we communicated and in my writing since I felt no real need to write about how he made me feel not because I didn't feel anything towards him but because I was happy and content with him. Unfortunately I think I made him feel invisible in my heart and mind, especially, during the time the mystery man stopped talking to me. The mystery man once again dominated my heart, emotions, and every thought, and I wasn't able to hide it from the engineer. Instead of leaving me right there and then he console me and showed me that he loved me even more. He even wrote me an erotic story about Cupid and myself…all because I told him about Cupid and Psyche…and the sad thing is that the reason why that story is special to me is because the mystery man is suppose to be Cupid since Psyche is not allow to see him…and Psyche's curious nature gets the best of her (now that sounds familiar)
And when he found out that the mystery man started to talk to me again he asked me to stop…and I couldn't… It didn't matter to me that the mystery man treated me like a sex toy…I couldn't and still can't get away from him… To be honest I have no idea what he does that keeps me captivated…. But point being that the engineer just tried harder to show me how much he loved me and wanted me all to himself. Now you may ask silly girl isn't that what you have always wanted…someone that loves and wants you for who you are…and the answer is YES! But thanks to my own insecurities I never told the engineer who I was since I started talking to him a little before my relationship with the poet ended so the engineer got the impression I was another person. Sadly I didn't know how to correct that error at that time, so I continue to lie to him. Well that's not entirely true since I did try to befriend the engineer as myself early on but when he didn't accept me…my impression of him changed…I saw him like any other vain, superficial, asshole…as you can tell I'm a bit jaded and resentful towards men… Moving right along… Once that I saw that the engineer was just like every other guy I didn't feel guilty in continuing to lie to him that is until now…that I feel like I lost my rock and I feel unstable without him. I know you might say…you can't lose what you never had… Yet I feel that the illusion of love is better than the reality of the mystery man.
Yesterday I told the mystery man that because I have always had the notion that he is incapable of loving me, I tend to look for guys (usually younger than I am…not that I am that old or that young by that matter) to tell me that they love me. Usually I don't feel the same way and when they realize that, they leave… And he responded with a simple…AND… I took it as if he had said, " and what's your point," or as if he was admitting that he was incapable of loving me…that I indeed am nothing but a sexual stimulus that helps him get off.
That was it…it broke me…I started crying until I realize how stupid I was for crying (even though most likely I'm going to cry again over it…sometime) when everyone who knows about the mystery man has told me that he didn't care about me…that I was only a toy in his eyes…but of course I didn't want to listen to them. Why? Because in my brain it doesn't compute…to me it's not logical that a man spends so many years talking to someone without developing some kind of feeling towards them…maybe not love but something…
Okay enough of my rant about the mystery man (at least for now).
As for what happen with the engineer… For a while now he wanted to come and see me, as you can guess that was a problem for me. I didn't want to tell him the truth so I delay the process as much as possible (about two years) until this month. We had talked a lot about the possibility of him seeing me....as the shy, nervous, insecure wallflower that I am I told him that I wasn't ready and that I was afraid. He seemed to understand yet because he had already made plans to come and see me, he didn't cancel his trip. But there was an understanding that I would not see him and he was okay with it. But because I didn't see him when he came up here…he stopped talking to me. After a few days of silence on his part and annoying desperation on mine, he answered with…
I feel lied to and terribly hurt. I know you didn't love me because your actions speak louder than words (I know, what a cliché). I wonder if it was the professor (the mystery man, only that the engineer and I called him the professor since the MM had once told me he use to be a professor…well he has been my professor in the world of BDSM or sexual discovery) or your childhood crush who wanted to see you, if you would gladly drop everything to be with them. I hope that you never say that I never accepted you for who you are, or that I only wanted to see you just for sex and leave you, since I feel that you have put me among the ranks of the poet (yes he used the poet's name but I don't) and the previous guys you have been with. You are the one who doesn't want me. I got that message through your actions. I feel empty inside, alone, depressed, angry, and so please, I don't want to be hurt anymore. If this was your goal, you have achieved it (really, do I make it seem that I hate men that much…to secretly plan to hurt the few good ones…if so, oops, my bad). I just want to be alone so that I can slowly heal….I hope you find your perfect love. I hope your professor reveals himself to you since you are most happy with him. I wish you all the best. Take care.
Well if that isn't a farewell I don't know what is.
So those are the reasons why I have been a wonderful emotional mess.
