Venting

It's been a while since I felt the need to write, lately I have felt that whatever I am feeling and living right now is too personal and private to write about. It feels strange to say that since when it comes to my feelings I'm an open book.

Everything that is happening in my family life and my so-called love life have me thinking that men are truly awful and somewhat worthless….and basically weak and pitiful cowards...at first sight of trouble, they run.

Okay so I have been a bit stressed out and overwhelmed lately….and what has me even more upset is the fact that my brothers act as if things don't concern them…the middle one said that he is going disassociate himself from the family since the issues that the family is going through don't concern him at all and in fact the stress of those issues are making him old….and the eldest acts as if nothing is going on, if we ignore the problems they will go away….so everything is left up to me…. So I get to be the strong responsible one, the realistic one, the problem-solver and the 20somthing going on 50something (since I don't think 70 would work right now)…which is fine really I have no problem being those things…what irks me is how my brothers have handle the situation.

And on top of that the mystery man disappeared….okay so there is a story behind that but I don't really want to get it to it too much….basically I've been frustrated for some time now about the frequency of his calls and the subject of those calls. I tried to express my displeasure but my cries for attention and affection were met by silence.

Needless to say that the stress and frustrations in my life have me in a hyper-sensitive state where every little thing makes me cry and melancholy….the melancholy part has me longing for love and most of all emotional support. And there are times when I can't help but think of the engineer and of the poet. I think of them both because they were very similar since they were supportive, understanding, encouraging, loving, protective, affectionate, caring….and I miss that….I feel like need that…well I need a hug at least and someone to tell me everything is going to be alright…even if it's a lie…I need to hear that there is HOPE…

Mental block

I've been having a bit of a writer's block lately since I feel like I should write about something but what that something is I don't know. I have asked for suggestions and to be honest I got some good ones….but sadly I wasn't inspired by them. Besides not knowing what to write I'm not sure how to feel.

Unbirthday birthday

Okay so my birthday is coming up and to be honest I'm dreading it. Why? Well, I've been thinking about how time flies since I am the youngest one in the family and I was youngest one in the group of friends that we (my brothers and I) grew up with and I'm turning 20 + ? tomorrow…well point being is that I feel old. I know I am not old but I can't help feeling old and as if life is passing me by…way too fast. I feel like I should have accomplished more things in life at my age…although when I compare my life to both of my brothers' lives or even our group of friends I do feel accomplished….yet it's not where I would have liked to be at this point of my life.

To make matters worse I'm worried about my age because I keep thinking about a comment the mystery man made a while back. The mystery man once mentioned that a woman reaches the perfect age at 20 + ? …and that's precisely the age I'm going to be. Why am I worried? Well simply because I have no idea what's going to happen when I do reach that age. Does it mean that he stops talking to women when they hit that age?

On top of feeling old, my mom has been asking me what do I want to do for my birthday and all I can come up with is nothing… Is it so wrong to want nothing for your birthday?

Jibber Jabber

I've been trying to write about my emotional state tonight and I can't seem to. I start writing but I feel like I'm not expressing myself the way I want to so I delete it….So I'm back to square one….trying to figure out how to put down in words how I feel.

Bubble-less

I usually try to be bubbly but lately I have been feeling bubble-less and a desire to keep my emotions under control. Well not just my emotions but everything around me and it's a bit troubling….if I do say so.

Oh I miss my bubble and my bubbly-ness...

On another note today I slipped; I wanted something I shouldn't want and I wrote something that I regret so much because it just makes me feel foolish for wanting it. Okay let me try to explain since right now it doesn't make sense even to me. For the past few months I haven't felt the desire to flirt, tease, or even talk to anyone yet for some forsaken reason today I wanted to have a normal conversation with…the mystery man...

What's wrong with that; nothing just that it makes me feel like I'm still hoping for something...I'm just not sure what I'm hoping for. I know I'm smart girl but as to why I keep hoping or having a slight desire for something I know it's impossible…I don't know… The worst part is that I thought I could control my emotions in order not to feel anything, especially when I know that if I start having feelings for him again I'm just going to hurt myself even more. Okay, so I have never stopped having feelings for him, it’s just that my feelings were a bit subdued because I didn’t want to admit how much I had hurt myself by hoping….

Today’s Fortune Cookie

A pleasant surprise is in store for you.

Right now the only pleasant surprise that I would love to receive is a new sex toy to add to my collection….Or English editions of Roque Dalton's and/or Otto René Castillo's books. Okay I know the things that I want have nothing to do with each other but they do have everything to do with who I am; my love of pleasure and my love of knowledge. My love of knowledge right now has me addicted to FORA.tv, honestly it is beyond awesome. Also I have been reading Miguel Mármol y los sucesos de 1932 en El Salvador by Roque Dalton and Poesía by Otto René Castillo, and unfortunately both books are in Spanish. I only say unfortunately because I read a lot slower in Spanish than I do in English and I feel I don't grasp concepts as fully….so I would love English editions of those books….or I need to practice my Spanish more.

Curious Kitty

I had a curiosity killed the mood moment today. I wish my brain had a censor when it comes to my curiosity. Sometimes I ask questions knowing that they will remain unanswered.

Cynical doll

Last night one of my friends posted the following as her status:

Theres somebody for everyone, this I know. I've seen the most amazing things from love before. Can't wait 'til I experience that little piece of my own someone. You know that's all I ever wanted. I'm gonna be all that you wanted I bet money on it. I wanna be part of the crowd, I want a love that's gonna make me proud.... I think it's time I became somebody's someone lalalala ♥
♥

I wanted to laugh when I read it and I wanted to reply, thank you for making me realized how much of a cynic I have become, especially when it comes to love… but then I remembered that she wouldn't get it. Why? Because I tend to play the part of the odd, smart, innocent, good girl, who knows nothing of love and especially about sex…. Okay maybe it's not so much of a part that I play…since I am smart and overall a good girl who at times is rather innocent and socially awkward…I just can't imagine telling someone face-to-face what really goes through my mind…

Okay back to the point…I can't believe that I am disenchanted with love…the girl who was in love with love…feels like love is just a stupid illusion that girls are taught to search for in order to keep them (us) entertained and busy enough to not notice what's really going on around us… stupid fairy tales.

I know it may sound like a total contradiction especially when I have planned my dream wedding already but a dress and ring and even a cake doesn't mean that my heart desires to get married or even believes in love right now...

The Anti-marriage gal is wedding crazed

I've been hesitant on posting this…why? Because I don't want to admit this to anyone even to myself...I can picture myself married...well, someday that is… how truly awful... I am a normal girl after all...

Most of my life I’ve seen myself as the anti-marriage girl…I’ve never understood why would someone or anyone would want to get married and makes it such an important milestone in life in general. Although I still don’t fully understand it and I still don’t see myself as the kind of person who would enjoy spending/sharing my life with someone, it would seem that my so-called biological clock is ticking. Okay my so-called biologically clock is not ticking in the sense that I want kids...oh goodness no!!! But my biological clock has me designing my dream wedding. I feel like such a girl.

The date: October 31st….Yes, Halloween!!! What a big shocker there, right?

Theme: Masquerade ball

Dress is still questionable since I would very much like it black but knowing my mother….she would never allow it… but I do have some idea what I would like it to look like




Ring: something nontraditional but still absolutely beautiful



I want that ring so bad...that I've made jokes to my niece that I am willing to marry myself just to have an excuse to wear it....yes, very Queen Elizabeth I of me...

Cake: fabulously dark


OR


Well since I have all this planned I might as well use it for my birthday party or even maybe...my own wedding to myself that is... since I can't picture having a groom...I know that's a bit silly but oh well...for now...maybe in like 20 years or another life time...

Today’s Fortune

Although I don't believe in horoscopes or in fortune cookies I think they are fun to read…so today's fortune cookie was…

The one you love is closer than you think.